The Scream, 1893 by Edvard Munch

www.edvardmunch.org

I have read and heard about depression. Never really understood what it was. Never thought it would ever happen to me. Depression only happens to those who are mentally & spiritually weak, or so I thought. When it suddenly hit me out of nowhere, the feeling was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

I was the proverbial “shed blood but never shed tears” kind of guy. Never cry even when my grandparents passed away.

I have a high pain threshold :

I have broken one of my toes,

I tore the tendon of my little pinky finger,

I literally got my balls busted (scrotal haematoma),

all during my Tae Kwon-Do days,

I even had stones in my ureter twice (which my doctor said was more painful than childbirth. Seriously…:D),

and I took them all in my stride.

Hey. I was the man in the family, right? Not supposed to display any emotional sign of weakness…

It was late December 1994. My wife was 3 months’ pregnant with our second child. The gynaecologist could not detect any heartbeat in the fetus. He told us to give it the benefit of a doubt and to wait a little more before going back for another check-up. We hoped against hope for a miracle.

One evening my wife suddenly gave a scream from the toilet. I rushed over and saw the blob of fetus dropped onto her panties.

I bravely and quietly helped to clean up the mess. We comforted each other that we will see our baby again in heaven. The song “Tears in Heaven”, inspired by the death of Eric Clapton’s 4-year old boy who fell down from his apartment building, became my constant companion. I did not blame God or anything. I just did not know how to feel….

One evening I was eating dinner with my wife at home. All of a sudden I just broke down into tears. Didn’t understand why... Like something just gave way underneath all my emotions…. Like the floodgates just burst open under tremendous pressure…. The tears flowed freely. I remembered my eldest daughter, who was 6 years old then, looking at me in bewilderment not understanding what was happening….

From then on, things started happening to my mind and my body...

There was a never-ending stream of anxious thoughts spinning through my mind. It would not let me rest. I wanted to switch it off, but I couldn’t! Like a broken record that keeps playing the same tune over and over and over again. I started to descend into feelings of hopelessness. My heart would race and my chest hurts. I couldn’t breathe. Then it would eventually overwhelm me leading to a full-blown panic attack and I would experience an extreme sense of doom and despair. I would often wonder why other people are acting and pretending like everything is fine when it is not. The sky is falling, can’t you guys see it ??

Oh, the elusive restful sleep was a super luxury and a very welcome relief. But the unceasing thoughts prevented me from dozing off even though I was lying down with my eyes shut. There was one particular night when I literally heard the living room clock striking every hour from midnight till the morning.

Many nights I would wake up at 3 am and I could feel the physical and emotional anxiety crawl onto me like a dark cloud or a sinister presence. I would wait anxiously for the morning to come. And when morning came, I dreaded to wake up.

It was absolutely debilitating. If it were a pain or illness or a broken bone in my body, I would know what to do. But I had no control over what was happening to me. It wasn’t just a depressed feeling, feeling down, or feeling blue. I had no joy. All I was aware of was growing fear. I didn’t feel like reading. The Bible was an unemotional book. When I prayed, I felt that my prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. I was suspicious of everyone around me and felt that they were all wearing masks. I find myself fatigued for no reason. No one seemed to understand. No one could help. I was not sure exactly what it was. It was just some place I have never been. I didn’t know how I could get out of it. It just took my life from me. I was losing interest in everything. I would look at my wife and my daughter, and I felt disconnected.

I now understand how some people could take their lives ……. When you are in this chronic state that robs you of your life and all your joy, and your mind is constantly in overdrive, and you think there is no hope, death looks so good. You just want all this anxiety and despair to go away, to end, when you can finally find rest and peace…….

Was I losing my mind?

I sought out the church elders and had long chats with them. I would very often have “teh tarik” (a cup of tea/coffee) sessions with close friends just to unload my overcrowded mind… It helped temporarily, to think that someone else understood what I was going through, when actually they did not. They were just kind enough to give a listening ear to my senseless rantings, and perhaps even watch helplessly as I wallowed in my despair…

I was unable to focus on my work. My wife would often call me and find me missing from my work place. I would go out frequently to the mamak stall to have a “teh tarik” all by myself just to give my mind a rest.

The Christmas of 1994 was the worst Christmas of my life. I was wrapping presents together with my wife, and I did not know what I was doing.

Since I could not find anything physically wrong with myself, I then thought it must be a spiritual attack, a demonic oppression, or something….. We called upon a Pastor in Tapah who had experiences in spiritual warfare against the spiritual and animistic practices of the orang Asli people, and had him prayed over me, anointing me with oil.

Sadly, it didn’t work. There were no demons in me to be cast out.

Seeking professional help

Finally, after a few weeks, I told myself, “This has to stop, or I will definitely lose my mind, literally!” The sheer joy of being alive was withering fast. I decided on my own that I have to see a psychiatrist, fast, at the risk of being labeled a loony, a nutcase, a mentally unsound person…. After all, only crazy people go to see psychiatrists, right ….? So, a few days after Christmas, through a church member doctor, I was referred to another Christian doctor and her psychiatrist husband.

During my first visit to the psychiatrist, Dr M, I immediately saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. (And it was not an oncoming train! :D). I was so relieved when Dr M told me that my condition has a name! If there is a name, then there must be a cure for it! The doc told me I had OCD (Obssessive Compulsive Disorder). That apparently was the source of my obsession with unresolved thoughts/questions/problems/anxieties overworking my mind resulting in all these physical symptoms in my body…. My depression was caused by a deficiency of a neurotransmitter called serotonin that regulates our mood and other biological functions in our bodies. This sudden shortage of serotonin in my system could have been triggered off by an event or over-stress. So, I was prescribed medication to calm my mind and to restore the low levels of serotonin in my body. I was also encouraged to read a book by Dr Larry Crabb entitled “Finding God” to help correct my “stinking thinking”.

Recovery

As the medication slowly let my body build up the serotonin levels, I started to see the effects after about two weeks. Dr M assured me that the medication was not addictive, although some of his patients actually requested to continue taking the medication because it had other aphrodisiac benefits….:D.

Our family went to the waterfalls at Hutan Lipur Kancing in Rawang, where I tried to reconnect with the joys of God’s creation.

We would leave our daughter with a family friend and go “dating” again to try and recapture the magic we once had.

Thank God, our male minds can only think one thing at a time (I heard that female minds can “multi-task”….?). One particular activity that helped me a lot during this period was doing jig saw puzzles. When I was focusing on where this piece or that piece is supposed to fit in the puzzle, I forgot all about my anxieties. I would complete a puzzle, scramble them, and start all over again.

Slowly but surely, the clouds parted and the sun broke through.

I began to enjoy again the simple things I had taken for granted.

To sit and delight in feeling normal.

To read and absorb knowledge.

To enjoy the human warmth of family and friends at a meal

To be able to turn off the light and fall into a natural and pleasant sleep.

There was joy simply in being alive.

Again.

I had to continue my medication for an extended period from six months to a year, even though I felt better, with reduction of dosage as per doc’s recommendation. There were a couple of times when I thought I was alright already and stopped the medication on my own, and my depression and anxiety came back with a vengeance!

It takes time for a complete recovery. The anxiety attacks go away slowly but it does go away. Sometimes the feelings of anxiety will tend to revisit, especially when going through certain periods of stress, but it will be for a shorter period and to a lesser degree.

Some people will say that if you are a resolute and mentally strong person, you can fight depression without medication. Well, you may be able to shake it off if it were just a low point in your life, but with clinical depression, you cannot just simply wish it away. And if medication can render one able to function again normally and usefully towards life and work and your loved ones, there is really no shame at all in seeking medical treatment for our mental health anymore than it is to seek medical treatment for our physical health.

Away with this stigma on mental health..!

Final Thoughts

I have been through pain. I have been through discomfort. But I have never been to the very edge of sanity where my perception of reality was blurred. All I could do was pray, suffer, and wait, and just lean upon the grace of God. Though I may falter and fail, yet underneath are Your everlasting arms.

This experience has brought me closer to my wife. I don’t think I could have made if I did not have the support of my wife. It was very taxing on my wife (she told me so, much later on). But, she just stood by me. She was my friend and partner all the way. Thank God for my wife!

I found a compassion that comes with despair. Paul said, “Christ comforts us in our afflictions that we might be able to comfort others.” (2 Corinthians 1:4) There was a nature of human suffering that I could not understand until now. I learned to empathize. Never again will I look at those who are struggling with depression or anxiety in the way I had looked at them before. There is a whole lot of people out there who are struggling with depression. They need to know from a survivor that there is hope. Someone once said that a person can go forty days without food, three days without water, three minutes without air, but only a few seconds without hope!

I learned to delight in just feeling normal. Being alive is a delight that you can take for granted – until it is taken away. You learn to thank God for being normal.

Finally, I learned to appreciate the Bible more. A depression or anxiety can take away your ability to emotionally engage the Word of God. What joy it is to soak in the Scriptures.

Why are you downcast,

O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

For I will yet praise Him,

My Saviour and my God.

(Psalm 42:11)

The most important thing to know is that "mental illness" is not a character flaw; it's a disease. Similarly, it's "not a spiritual problem" in the sense it can be fixed with just "more faith" or "more church." Mental illness is a treatable condition.

There remains too much stigma and shame in Christian circles when it comes to mental illness. That has to stop.

Mental illness is treatable, but only if it’s treated..

*In Malaysia, The Befrienders offers free and confidential counselling & support 24 hours a day via their helpline 03-7956 8145.

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